Valentine’s Day means different things to different people.
Pragmatists and romantics have a very different view and experience of this holiday. Pragmatics are, by definition, practical, logical and effective. Romantics, in contrast, are focused more on aesthetics, celebration and passion. There is a fluid continuum with pragmatists on one end of the spectrum, and romantics on the other, with most people more on one end than the other. Perhaps Valentine’s Day, more than any other holiday, makes the differences between these two very apparent.
For pragmatists, Valentine’s Day tends to conjure thoughts of being guilted by marketers into buying overpriced flowers, going to dinner in overcrowded restaurants, and feeling pressure to find a card or gift that their individual partners will like. They may feel stressed about trying to get it right with their partners, or even worry that whatever they do won’t be good enough. They also may be dismissive of their individual partner’s feelings, (purposely or not) viewing emotional desires as being frivolous and impractical.
For the romantics, Valentine’s Day is an exciting time to celebrate and create romantic memories with their personal partners. They view it as a day to be celebrated, not resented, and certainly not ignored or forgotten. Roses and lingerie, love songs and chocolate dipped strawberries with champagne in the back seat of a limo are among the ways romantics like to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
They may have been anticipating this day, fantasizing about it and planning the perfect romantic experiences. Romantics may feel hurt or become angry if their individual partners don’t fulfill their expectations for romance, or don’t enjoy the experiences they worked so hard to plan. Even a neutral response from the pragmatic partner may feel like a rejection to the romantic. The pragmatic individual is at high risk for failing to see the partner’s genuine efforts to show love and celebrate together.
Since romantics tend to delight in the very things pragmatists tend to despise, and vice versa, Valentine’s Day, for a pragmatist and a romantic in a relationship, can be a day riddled with emotional landmines.
So, how do you avoid getting caught in this negative dance on Valentine’s Day (or any other day, for that matter)? How can two people who love each other, but express it in very different ways, come together to create a relationship they both desire? Both partners must genuinely make the effort to understand the world from the other’s point of view.
The romantics must become pragmatic romantics, and the pragmatist must become a romantic pragmatist. They don’t have to agree with each other, but they do need to be able to understand how each other sees the world. Then they can join together to co-create a shared vision of supporting one another in pursuing what they both want and need the most, and letting go of anything that gets in the way of doing so.
Make Valentine’s Day and every day a day to celebrate the fact you found someone you love, who also loves you. Celebrate the fact you have each other’s back and you are enjoying life together. Carpe Diem!
If you’re in a place right now where it’s difficult to celebrate your relationship because of problems between you and your partner, don’t let another Valentine’s Day pass with you feeling the way you do today. Get professional help with counseling or a relationship workshop. Let Valentine’s Day this year be the year the two of you decide to step out of any negative dances you are in, and co-create the relationship you both desire.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
For more information, contact The Arizona Relationship Institute. Call (480) 788-5069, visit the website at azri.org, or send an email to contactus@azri.org.