Dear Randi,
I have been married for 16 years, and I just discovered my husband has been having an affair for the past three months. He says he ended it and loves me and wants to stay married. I love him very much, and want to believe him, but I am having a very hard time trusting him, and I am deeply hurt that he did this. How do I recover from the hurt, and how will I ever trust him again? I just don’t see that staying in a marriage where there is no trust is a healthy thing to do. Is my marriage salvageable?
Signed,
Cheating Heart
Randi Rotwein-Pivnick
Dear CH,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is possible that you can move through this, and perhaps even have a better relationship than the two of you ever had. However, you need to go through the proper steps to have a chance at mending (and possibly reinventing) the marriage.
First and foremost, I recommend you start couples therapy with a therapist specializing in couples and infidelity. That way, you will have professional guidance to walk you through the healing process. Your initial role is to figure out what it is you need in order to begin rebuilding the trust. Perhaps you need to have access to his phone (texts and voicemails, etc.) and computer. You may need to have him check in with you so you know where he is and with whom. Maybe you need to know that he will answer his phone no matter what he is doing and respond to your texts immediately.
What you need is up to you. It is different for everyone. Initially, your husband’s job is to agree to what it is you need to begin to trust, and to not get defensive when you ask questions, even if it is the same one over and over again. The first time he gets defensive will erase any progress made and bring you back to ground zero. Your husband also needs to show remorse for his actions and validate your feelings. Of utmost importance is he does not lie or hide information from you. By doing this, even more damage can occur than already has been done.
Once you have begun to rebuild the trust, you can then work on creating a new (improved) relationship. Be certain to take your time, as rushing through the process will only be self-defeating.
To contact Randi Rotwein-Pivnick, please email her at emotion4you@aol.com, or call her at (480) 707-8291.