A couples therapist, Randi Rotwein-Pivnick offers professional advice to clients dealing with a wide range of issues.
Good suggestions for anyone experiencing relationship issues, she offers the following guidance to Two Passing Ships:
Dear Randi,
We have been married for 30 years, raised two children together, and we both are successful in our careers. From the outside, we look like we have the ideal family. Now, however, with the kids out of the house, we find we have little in common with each other and are disconnected. Please help us find our way back to each other.
Signed,
Two Passing Ships
Dear Passing Ships,
What you are describing is quite common. Life gets busy, other things become priorities, and the relationship is put on the backburner. Little by little, the flame diminishes and by the time you realize it, it’s hard to get the fire back.
The first thing I would suggest you do is to make the effort to connect with each other on a daily basis by spending time talking without the interruption of electronics. Put down your phones, step away from your computer, turn the television off and talk to each other. Find out what’s going on in each other’s lives.
Another good starting point would be to have regular date nights. Alternate who plans it, and maybe even add the element of surprise by not telling your partner what the plans are (aka a surprise date).
One of my favorite homework assignments for my therapy couples is for each to be responsible for arranging a surprise date at least once a month. The way it works is one person is responsible for the planning of the entire date, and only tells the partner the date time and attire for the event. The rest is a surprise. Just take that special person’s hand and lead the way. Not only does this add newness to the relationship, as well as an opportunity to connect, but it also adds the element of surprise, and being taken care of tends to have a positive effect on the relationship. Shared experiences help people to connect (or reconnect).
Lastly, you may also want to do a tune up on your marriage by scheduling some couples therapy sessions. I assume you take your car in for a tune up to keep it in peak performance. Why not do the same for your marriage?
Make the effort to make each other (and the relationship) the priority it was when you first met and fell in love. It takes work to keep the flames alive.
To contact Randi Rotwein-Pivnick, please email her at Emotion4You@aol.com, or call her at (480) 707-8291.